[OT] Jokes page

[The Alberto Member Find all posts View Profile Close The Alberto]

Campbell Newman's Response when asked about the Flood situation north of the SE corner of the State

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA....
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS
FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP
FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH
AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT
WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE
RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE
- 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS
JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE
26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO
NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS
PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT
THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM
WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO
PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID
NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted..

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mumwill catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mumand catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

Here are a few jokes I have just read on another forum.

The New 2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.



A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'



Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[craigm Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close craigm]

> Two crocodiles are sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
>
> "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc.
>
> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
> ...
> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Caprice cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em up!"
>
> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

[Geoffury Find all posts View Profile Close Geoffury]

A young boy asks his dad:
"Why is England called a Kingdom?"
To which his dad replied:
"Because it is ruled by a King"

The boy looks at his dad and says:
"So is that why Australia is called a Country?"

[Bassett Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bassett]

3 women in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.They get drunk, and wake up
in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what she did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the
University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf
of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately
fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated
from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't
gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

One of the local policeman pulled over a young attractive women for speeding the other day. He walked up to the window and opened hit ticket book, the young woman looked at him and said "I guess you are going to sell me a ticket to the local Policemans ball." The officer replied, "sorry maam, but the local police don't have balls"

There was a short silence then the oficer closed his ticket book, nodded at the young lady and returned to his patrol car and drove off!

Cheers Andrew

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

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I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller.

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .

It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them.

They said it would be just like winning the lottery!

I agreed, and they were right.

We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

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Such an unfair world:-

When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).

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Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though.

She's crap at snooker.

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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

Boy! I love my new taser!

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If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham,

then delete it.

It's spam.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while".
Billy says: "i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. "
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.
But, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "it works on the tomato sauce bottle!"

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,

Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's balls..

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Confucius once said,

"You should treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, when she stops sucking, replace the bag."

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under
72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had
(by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home.
The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine
gun bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be
called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun
collector."

In Oklahoma, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

and. ..

In Texas , he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy".

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

DAD JOKES!!!

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV but the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.