[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Selling Bibles


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had
serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept
to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie,
the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our
Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to
you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the
church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I
am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie,
did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one
week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know
f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just
tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would
yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read
it t-to y-y-you?"

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!

[ithommo Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ithommo]

Thought this was pretty funny!
http://www.businessinsider.com/jeff-...e-pepsi-2013-3

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

An Isishman is cleaning his rifle at the kitchen table one evening while his wife was washing the dishes, when suddenly the rifle accidentally discharges and shoots his wife, who falls in a heap at the kitchen sink.

In a confused state of shock and panic, the Irishman rushes to the phone and dials 000.

Isishman: "help!!! It's my wife!!! I've accidentally shot her...I've killed her."

Operator: "Please be calm sir, we can't help you if you're in such a state...now can you first make sure your wife is actually dead."

*click* BANG

Isishman: "Okay, done that...wat should I do next?"


Cheers Andrew

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked 'It paid a fortune?' 'Damn', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A GOLFER AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE.

This one may bring a little tear to your eyes ... Only a golfer would understand this story.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it ! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work !'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir ?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him ...

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !

Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
then
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.





This one is really worth passing on

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Paddy,Mick and Jasen have been long time friends

One day Jasen was killed in a horrible explosion and Paddy/Mick were called into to identify him at the mortuary

Paddy looked at him and after his face not being recognisable he asked to turn him over - after a close look he said this is not Jasen... Mick also cannot recognise his face and also asks him to turn him over and again takes a closer look and also confirms this is not Jasen

Now the guy at the mortuary says to Paddy/Mick why is this not Jasen - well every time we went drinking with him, people would always say - hey there's Jasen with those two assholes

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Selling Bibles


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had
serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept
to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie,
the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our
Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to
you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the
church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I
am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie,
did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one
week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know
f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just
tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would
yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read
it t-to y-y-you?"

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

The missus bought a Paperback

down Shepton Mallet way

I had a look inside her bag;

T'was "fifty shades of grey".


Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread…..


In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.


Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!


Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!


She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!


Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.


She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!


Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!


Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Its visual.

WARNING: Not for the faint hearted or single. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151540556874683

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

BLACK BRA size 38
This is tooooo funny not to share. ................The Business Deal



A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.�The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras�are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. �Therefore he has to charge $50 each for them. �The Chinese guy buys 25 bras
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty bras. �Jewish owner tells him they have become even harder to get and charges him $60 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50. �This time for $75 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me, What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: �"I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."�






...and this is why the Chinese own us!��Business is Business!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.


Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the paediatrician.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your bum will fall off.

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

I was driving home tonight, when I ran into the back of a patrol owner....

Now the driver got out, (to my surprise he was a midget),and he stormed over to my driver side window and yelled "I'm not happy!!!!"

My response was - then which one are you???

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

SNOW WHITE NAKED

THE 7 dwarfs were sitting around talking and one asked if any of them had seen Snow White naked? They all said no, so that night they decided to take a peek when she went to bed

So Happy climbed up the window and peeked in - she taking off her dress, passing this message down the line of dwarfs who can't see they repeat - she taking off her dress,she taking off her dress,she taking off her dress ......

Happy then says, she taking off her bra, she taking off her bra, she taking off her bra .... The message goes down the line

Happy then say, she taking off her panties, she taking off her panties, she taking off her panties etc etc

Then Happy hears a noise and he says hang on I think someone is coming , so am I, so am I, so am I, so am I, so am I, so am I.......

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store in Indian villages does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."



They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid!