[OT] Jokes page

[Jacto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jacto]

Thor, the god of thunder who was very well endowed decided he was going to go down to earth and spend a few days finding wild women and getting his rocks off.

He landed in Melbourne and got directed by a trusty cabby to the local night club scene where he started browsing with a few drinks under his belt. A short time later, he couldn't believe his eyes when this stunning blonde walks in through the door and sidled up to him at the bar and asked him if she could buy him a drink.

Sure, why not said Thor, noticing that the girl had a bit of a speech impediment, but was not overly concerned as he wasn't planning omn talking and this was the beginning of a week of non stop sex and lustfull antics. In all of this time though they had not even introduced themselves to each other and even very few words were spoken and this really started to play on Thor's morals.

On the morning of Thor's departure he started really getting the guilts that he had not introduced himself to this lady and as he cautiously approached the breakfast table, he could see that she was in a state of discomfort.
My darling, he started, I am so sorry for the past few days, you have been absolutely wonderful to me and I must apologise that I did not tell you who I am and before I leave this wonderful place I must tell you that I am THOR; he didn't get any further before she let loose with her abuse.

THOR, THOR, you barthard she said, I'm tho thor I can hardly pith.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

HELLO OPERATOR
Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++< br>Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Inquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.'
------------------------------------------! -------- --------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

[BigDog816 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close BigDog816]

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami
Herald. This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed
that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all....

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f#@k!&n red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond....

[lofty Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close lofty]

Thanks BigDog and others, had a good laugh at the colonoscopy story :lol: :lol: :lol:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

I had the best laugh in ages at BigDog's story...

Well done 10/10

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Old men may walk slow BUT they think F A S T







An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several

years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted

mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it

was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of

the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over,

as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to

bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting

and laughing with glee As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young

women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence

and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim

naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Irish vasectomy


After the birth of their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.



The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to purchase a large firecracker. He was to go home, light the firecracker, place it in a beer can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.



The husband said to the doctor “B’jaysus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help with this problem”.



“Trust me, it will do the job” said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and placed it in a beer can as he had been instructed. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs so that he could continue counting on the other hand...



This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Knob
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:



First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

Having a family history of bowel cancer and only recently undergone a second colonoscopy, I can relate to Bigdogs story 100%
These days I regard the procedure as no big deal and probably a good excuse to have a couple of days off work
Mind you, the preparation that you have to drink can only be described as vicious in the extreme and you get a good indication of what your bum is exactly for :!:
I found it quite amusing to come to in the recovery area and listen to the other colonoscopy patients of the day trying to cover up the continuous farts that keep emanating from their recently inflated bowels.
For all you guys over 50 or with a family history, put your pride to one side and have a check up. Having seen what my father has had to endure , having had 2 operations to remove tumours in the last 5 years, having a camera up your bum whilst asleep pales into insignificance.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride
was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
"Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered.

"I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and
held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Pam asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Pam,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Pam. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,

'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Pam I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Pam, 'you did tell me that,

but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this )



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[lofty Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close lofty]

For anyone who has/knows a teenager or tried to have a conversation with one :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKaUL2mtAqA

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

English Signs in NON English Speaking places


In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi rstaurant :
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER

On an Athi River highway:this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel , Japan :
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE
THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a
question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge
over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'Be-Jesus, I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out
of me.'

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'