[OT] Jokes page

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Arthur is 90 years old.


He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.


"Can't remember."

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs until her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.''


He never heard the gunshot.

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Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says 'Congratulations, your wife has had quins - 5 big baby boys.'

Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a Willie on me like a chimney.'

The nurse replies, 'You'd need to get it cleaned because the babies are all black.'

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Wisdom

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

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A Bunnings Story!

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.




He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.



Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,

Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.




When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap?"



The manager replied, "That's a gold plated tap and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap."



This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!

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CATHOLIC SHAMPOO


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by
the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold
beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not
feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene
at the checkout."

"I can handle that without a problem." she replied as she picked up
a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

"The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns
arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained "We use beer
for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter,
pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag
with the beer. He looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and
said, "The curlers are on the house."

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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser (from Liverpool) are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They
stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs, 'My God, it's
Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of XXXX and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement,
'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've
had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.

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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

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Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[Cypress Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Cypress]

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.


She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest d!ck."

[gympiebrowns Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close gympiebrowns]

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i agree that last nights argument was my fault....

the wife asked "whats on the television"???

i replied "dust"

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A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her ...
'And where do you think you're going?'

She said - 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

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Childbirth at 65

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...





"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."