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Jon · 24-10-2010, 06:20 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: (WELL THAT�S THAT THEN!)

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not solve it and had to peek at the answer. See if you can discover what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
This is clever....

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.....

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Ozpat · 24-10-2010, 06:22 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blond already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blond finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

Jon · 24-10-2010, 07:29 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry..There will be Hell to pay later!

Jon · 25-10-2010, 08:16 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Subject: Harley-Davidson Facts - chuckle of the day

The Inventor of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle , Arthur Davidson , Died
and went to Heaven.

At the Gates, St. Peter told Arthur.'Since you've been such a Good Man
and Your Motorcycles have Changed the World, Your Reward is, you can
Hang-Out with Anyone You Want to in Heaven.'

Arthur Thought About it for a Minute and then s aid,
'I want to Hang-Out with God.'

St. Peter Took Arthur to the Throne Room,
and Introduced Him to God.

God Recognized Arthur and Commented,'Okay, so you were
the One Who Invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle ?'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, That's Me...'

God Commented: 'Well, what's theBig Deal in Inventing Something that's
Pretty Unstable, Makes Noise and Pollution and Can't Run Without a Road?'

Arthur was a Bit Embarrassed, but Finally Spoke,
'Excuse me, but Aren't You the Inventor of Woman?'

God said, 'Ah, Yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur , 'Professional to Professional,
You Have Some Major Design Flaws in Your Invention ! :

1. There's Too Much Inconsistency in the Front-End Suspension ~

2. It Chatters Constantly at High Spee ds ~

3. Most of Rear Ends AreToo Soft and Wobble About Too Much ~

4. The Intake is Placed Way Too Close to the Exhaust ~

5. The Maintenance Costs Are Outrageous! ~

'Hmmmmm, You May Have Some Good Points There,
'Replied God, 'Hold On,'---->

God Went to His 'Celestial-Super-Computer',
Typed in a Few Words and Waited for the Results.

The Computer Printed-Out a Slip of Paper and God Read It ~

'Well, it May be True That My Invention is Flawed,' God Said to
Arthur , 'But According to These Numbers,
More Men are Riding My Invention Than Yours'

crowey · 26-10-2010, 04:05 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage
at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I
can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display,
but will go deep into their hearts and
they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied,
"I seriously doubt that.
With one little wave of your hand?
Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her

Jon · 26-10-2010, 07:37 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination
man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and

knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to
be bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently
.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess
it's to hang your trousers on.'

Ozpat · 27-10-2010, 07:44 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Three blokes are out fishing on the lakes. One hooks an old bottle and gives it a rub. A puff of smoke later and a genie appears granting each one a wish.

First bloke says, "Make me ten times smarter than I am now!" A wave of the genie's hand sees him postulating Einstein's theories of relativity.

Second bloke says, "Make me even smarter!" Another wave and he's sprouting Hawking's theories of quantum mechanics.

Third bloke says, "I want to be ten times smarter again!" A third wave and whoosh..........He turns into.....

A woman!

(No, not a blond)

Schaffer · 29-10-2010, 09:10 AM

Bank Robbery in Texas

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

MDS69 · 29-10-2010, 07:05 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Originally posted by Jon

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: (WELL THAT�S THAT THEN!)

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not solve it and had to peek at the answer. See if you can discover what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
This is clever....

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.....

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Also the third letter of every word is also the same as the second last letter

Jon · 01-11-2010, 06:45 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't!
2.... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 .. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is TOO SHORT and friends are TOO FEW

Jon · 03-11-2010, 06:25 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what�s the vet going to do ? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

Cypress · 03-11-2010, 08:32 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

On holidays in India recently,

I saw a sign that said :

�English speaking Taxi driver�.

I thought, what a good idea,

why don�t we have

them here in Australia ?

spara · 04-11-2010, 09:01 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

' Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

spara · 06-11-2010, 04:09 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely, stunning young woman came over to their table and gave the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, before saying she'll see him later and then walking away.

The wife glared at her husband and said, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," said the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asked the wife.

"That's his mistress," said her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replied.

spara · 06-11-2010, 04:14 PM

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Dear Julia Gillard ,

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This
way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring
their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling,
pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay $900.00 per month and have no hope of ever
getting out.
Justice for all we say.