[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

THE AUSTRALIAN CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Afghanistan
Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart
guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Two businessmen in Muswellbrook were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, ”Must be doing well... Only two left."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells
his wife to go and look for the costumes. That night, when he gets back
from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN costume. Shouting, he says to
his wife:"What the !*#" is this? When have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?"
The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it.When the husband
arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts: "You are a mad
woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN?Go and change it for something
better." The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys
various things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a
wooden pole. When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he
says to his wife: "Whats this ?"The wife responds: " Its so that you can
choose your costume: If you take off your clothes and stick the buttons to
your body you can go as a Domino.If you don't like that, you can wear the
white belt and go as an Oreo biscuit. If your still not happy, you can stick
the pole up your a#s and go as a MAGNUM.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?





I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.



My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.





September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.


It was around then that the fight started......


What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country .... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers &Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





I asked my wife,

'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'

she said.

So I suggested,

'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,

'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,'

she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes..'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'


And that's when the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.


She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started..


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started…


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the Ute, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said,

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[TheGilletts Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TheGilletts]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A lady walkes into a "Husband Store" (where you go to buy a husband). the lady at the front door tells her that there are 5 levels in the store, and once she passes a level she can not go back.
With this in mind she preceeds to the first level, where there is a sign that says "These men have a job"
"Hmm, good, but I can do better" she thinks to herself, and goes on to level two where she reads the sign that says "These men have a job, and they like kids"...
"Better, but not good enought" and off to the third floor she goes. The sign here reads "These men have a job, they like kids, and are romantic"
"Improving! but curiosity takes me higher" and she goes up to the fourth floor. This sign says "These men have a job, they like kids, are romantic, and are great at housework"
"This seems to keep getting better, one more level can't hurt". She heads up to the fifth floor to read a sign that says "you are visitor number 89068, all these men are taken. Typical females"

A guy walks onto a "Wife Store" and the lad at the front door tells him the same, 5 levels, and no going back. So he proceeds to the first level.
The sign says "These women like sex"... "Thats good he thinks to himself, but need something more... so he goes to level two where the sign says "These women like sex and beer"...
No man has ever been to the third level...

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this,' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

[nika Member Find all posts View Profile Close nika]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

IN GENERAL
-Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
-Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
-It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
-If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
-Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

EATING OUT
-When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
-If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING AT HOME
-A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
-Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
-While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.
-Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
-Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
-Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
-Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
-Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
-Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
-For the groom, at least rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
-Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
-Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
-When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
-Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
-When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.


The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ......Three".

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”


'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.



“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”


Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”


She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'