[OT] Jokes page

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This is a classic from Ronnie Barker

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits,
and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary
Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really
forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters
had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight
otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"
said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so
dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted
her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the
prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

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Thanks AJ120... this is hucking filarious. Nearly missed pyself.

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A policeman notices a car driving erratically and pulls it over.

At the car he is greated by a middle aged aboriginal fellow. "ello ovissar" "how can i help u bloke?"

The policeman requests the driver to blow into a breathaliser unit.

"Nah, I dun havta blow in dat coz I got a certipicate from ma doctar coz Ise got dat emfarseema"

The policeman reviewsd the certificate and requests the person to provide a blood sample.

"Nah ovissar, I dun havta gib u blood bloke coz I got a certipcate from mah doctar, says Ima heemofilliac, see.

The policeman reviews the certifcate and responds, "well mate I bet you don't have a certificate that says you don't have to give me a urine sample!

The aboriginal gentlement thinks for a while and responds

"Nooo... but Midstar Kebin Rudd, he says he sorry in da parlarmant and dat means youse white fellas cant take da piss any more. :P

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On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

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You probably won’t hear a worse joke this year









A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of
beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?


The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham
and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of
beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion
Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and
Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

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CATHOLIC HORSES


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race..

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..


Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.



Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.


By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.


He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.


The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

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Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second
degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the
severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative,
and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
But it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a real beauty about to
jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity. He says, "Well, before you jump, can I kiss you goodbye."

So, she agrees.

So they go into a long passionate embrace, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

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I have a serious problem but just don't know where to post it so people will look and assist.

Not even sure where to start really so here goes.

A few weeks ago the missus received a call on her mobile. When I answered it, the caller just hung up. naturally this was strange but I let the incident pass.

Then 3 days ago, I noticed a new email message on our computer when getting ready to log into Pradpoint. Without a second thought I read it and found out my missus was planning an affair with the sender. Rather than go into the nitty gritty of what he planned to do with her, a carton of cream and punnets of strawberries and an assortment of fruit, it said he would pick her up in 3 days and as agreed he would just park on the street and wait for her.

Well, sure enough, she tells me yesterday that a girlfriend was going to pick her up and they were going to car detailing classes so she could better learn to clean the Prado. What a great excuse, like I'm going to say no to that!

So about half an hour ago, I tell her I'm off to the shed to do some mods and have a good night. When I go out I sneak around the side of the house so as to spy on the dude and see if she gets in his car. I was standing at the side of the house but the view was blocked by the Prado so i quickly and stealthy made my way to the front of the Prado avoiding any lights so they could not see me.

Sure enough, she got in the damm car with a coles graocery bag and they drove off.

My question is whilst at the Prado, I noticed a deep cratch and rust in the ARB colour coded bar and wondered if it is better to touch it up or replace the bar completely?

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My question is whilst at the Prado, I noticed a deep cratch and rust in the ARB colour coded bar and wondered if it is better to touch it up or replace the bar completely?

Thank god you didn't notice my windscreen sticker from the angle you were looking - but to answer your question, a light sand and touch up should do the trick, complete it with a polish...

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

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Thank god you didn't notice my windscreen sticker from the angle you were looking - but to answer your question, a light sand and touch up should do the trick, complete it with a polish...

Matt, your rig has no less than 3 PP stickers which can be seen from any angle and the one on your windscreen can be seen from space without using the hubble telescope :!:

Thanks for the advice though, I was very stressed and you have relieved a great pressure :lol:

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The secret of enjoying a good wine:





1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

2. If it does not look like its breathing,
give it mouth-to-mouth.

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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed, as there was a long queue of others waiting to get on, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to step up.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

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GEOGRAPHY
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian ... but I think I love you ..."

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Golf and Whisky......

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'"
"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed.
"You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!
Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"



"Who said he wanted to?"